Tis the season for douchebaggery. The holidays tend to bring out some of our worst fashion choices and sometimes even more devistating life choices when it comes members of the opposite sex. We sport too much glitter, think sequins belong in broad daylight and have a tendency brush off excessive drinking as just another part of the festivities. Throughout the years I have had my share of Christmas chaos – from mistaking an office function for mardi-gras to peeing off the back deck during a family gathering, I have found the holidays to be a time of feeling flushed, feeling full and feeling…well…fucked up.
There is nothing quite as degrading as going back to work on a Monday and trying to recall if it was the Pete the President of Marketing or Stacey the underage hostess that you spent half the night getting your twerk on with (or worse…if you just happened to bring both of them home to your frozen pizza covered bed and still can’t decipher which one the lacy boy-cuts belong to)
No matter what you’ve done, I think this is the year you can decide to do better. After attending my first festive function of the season, I came to realize it can be rather easy if you just follow a few simple guidelines…
1. Do not pre-drink.
You now have a grown-up job and should at least TRY to look like you can afford the over-priced drinks and/or pace yourself at an open bar. Your bosses sober wife WILL discuss at length the way you slurred your dates name as soon as you arrived.
2. Do not wear shoes that you cannot walk-in.
I am going to make the assumption you have all rolled your eyes at my previous request so I am going to spread out that safety-net of common sense. I don’t care how hot those Jeffrey Campbell’s look…you DO NOT look attractive tippy-toeing across the dance-floor on your way to the bathroom. You do however look like all those girls you see walking through the entertainment district at about 3 am in bare legs in a foot of snow yelling at their chin-strapped boyfriends to pull up the car.
3. Having sex with co-workers is a terrible idea…especially if you are the boss.
I get it, trust me, I really do but texting your best-friend at sun-rise the words “I hope (insert name(s) here) doesn’t work with me tomorrow because we totally just banged” is not going to be worth it when you use up all your sick days trying to avoid overhearing John from shipping discussing your flexibility and willingness to “try anything once” with that chick from head office. If you ARE that chick from head office…you could be looking at a severance package for your little coat room indiscretion so either break out the benjamin’s and get bribing or hire a hitman…the choice is yours.
4. For the love of God, buy some dress socks.
Your collar is telling mean you mean business…your track socks are telling me you live in your mothers basement.
5. Say “screw it” and try again next year.
I read somewehere that we are bound to change our careers like times in our lifetime anyways so just chalk it up as another savage night and move on to the next one.
No matter what you do, just remember that being over dressed is ALWAYS better than being under-dressed and if worse comes to worst… all vomiting should be done in private.